With Correspondence Connie
Ok I’m back for another round of answering all the questions I can about love and dating in LA while I wait for my TV dinner to cook in the oven. Hey I never said I was a culinary pro or one of those snooty foodies that everyone seems to be these days. A good ole “Hungry Man” dinner works for me. And hey I don’t have to be a man to eat a Hungry Man. Stop with all the gender stereotyping, ok? I can eat as much as I want alright. But anyway, let’s get to the questions emailed to me this week.
Hi Correspondence Connie. I just had a one night stand last night with this dude I met at a bar this weekend. Now I feel guilty. Any advice on getting over my guilt? – Julie C.
Well Julie. The first question that comes to mind is, did you have a good time at least? If so, then well at least you have that, as you worry about whether or not you’ve invited a psycho into your life. I mean, haven’t you watched at least one or two of the 100 movies out there that tell you one night stands are absolutely the best way to invite stalkers into your life? So I hope that at the least, you didn’t bring the guy over to your place so he knows where you live. I am going to assume you went to his place or some neutral place at least, like a car or something. Yhole, what’s wrong with people today. Oh what am I saying, its not like your generation invented one night stands. Alright, I’ll admit, I have had a one or two night stand or two in my life. You got me. As far as guilt, what good is that gonna do you? If you had fun, were safe (please tell me you took precautions and you don’t have to worry about missing your regular visitor) then just smile and think about the good time. If it it was a bad time, well hopefully this isn’t someone you’re going to run into again anytime soon. LA is a big city. Plenty more people to hook up with and then try to avoid them.
Hi Connie. Can I call you Connie, as if that’s your real name. All I want to know is who are you really and why should we take advice from you? And another thing, why don’t you have a picture on here? – Rudy G.
Ok Rudy, are you challenging me? You don’t want to take me on, Dude. I am not the one to mess with. Especially when I’m hungry and my Hungry Man TV dinner is making me wait. I know these days it’s hard to know who you’re really dealing with thanks to gaslighting, or catfishing, or whatever the hell it is they call it these days when people fake who they are online with pretty pictures of someone else who is nothing like who they really are. So I’m gonna assume your question is meant in a good way. The reason I’m qualified to answer these love questions is simple. I’ve been around the block one or two, or a thousand times. And no, that doesn’t mean I’m old. Let’s just say, I did a lot in a short time, ok? And now I want to share my knowledge with you people who really clearly need some help. I mean let’s just say I am compassionate and knowledgeable. How’s that? And I am not using my picture with these columns because I am just too good looking for people and everybody is always falling in love with me. Alright I made that up. But I enjoyed saying it. The real answer is anonymity is the way I prefer to roll. So there you go Rudy. If that’s your real name.
Correspondence Connie, I really am going crazy. Everybody in LA seems so fake to me. I’m thinking of leaving this town. But I don’t know where I would move to. Any ideas where I can find some real people? – Mercedes R.
Well, well, well Mercedes. By the way, why in the world are you named after a car? What were your parents thinking? I guess you’re lucky they didn’t pick something cheaper, like a Hyndai, or something. But talk about pretentious or fake. Seems to me you were destined to be surrounded by fake or pretentious people. But with that being said, there’s no denying that LA has a whole lot of people who are into pretending to be something other than they are. It’s true. It’s hard to tell who you’re really dealing with when talking to people. Everybody is an actor with a movie in the works. Or a producer working on their next project. While all the while, these same people are making designs in my coffee at the local Starbucks. Just tell me you’re a coffee server. I can deal with that. Don’t tell me you’re this big shot and then I run into you behind the counter when I go to get my morning coffee. Which brings me to another thing, Starbucks and these pretentious names for their drinks and sizes. What the hell is a Venti and all that? I just want a small, medium or large. And what the hell is a macchiato? These are not even real words. What is it supposed to be, Italian? Come on. It’s just a coffee shop. It’s like something is wrong with you if you go in there and say give me a medium coffee. They look at you like you’re speaking another language. But I digress. Though my point was, our whole society right now is full of fake. Have you been on the Internet lately, Mercedes? All these posts on Facebook of everybody pretending everything is great all the time. So while it’s true LA has a high percentage of fake people, I hate to tell you but you’re likely to find fake people in the middle of Iowa. So I don’t know where to tell you to go. But truth is, if you just make sure you’re being honest about yourself when dealing with other people, then I think you’ll attract the right person, even in LA.
Here’s a simple question for you Connie. What’s love got to do with it? And what is love? – Chester P.
Chester have you been listening to old songs lately? You do realize both your questions are songs right? Maybe just pull up the lyrics and the answers might be right there. I mean those are the age-old questions. If I knew the answers to those questions I would be rich. But let me say this. Love is not something you can look for. It’s something that happens. And no I don’t believe in that sappy, love at first sight mess. No one knows jack about about another person when they first look at them. All you know is what you feel in your loins at that moment. And love ain’t in your loins. This I know for a fact. Real love, in a relationship, develops, as you get to know someone. It takes time. That’s the whole problem these days. People don’t want to take time to let it happen. To give love a chance. They cut bait too soon and run. Which is why I feel for so many of you younger folks. You’re raised expecting everything to come to you fast. Instant gratification. Well, that isn’t gonna happen with love. So Chester, I don’t know how to define it, but what I know is you gotta let it happen with the right person. Stop rushing things because…oh wait, my oven timer finally went off. Thank God, cuz I had no idea how to answer your question and was just stalling. Hey, at least I’m being honest. So go to the record store, aw hell, those don’t exist anymore do they? Well go online and listen to a whole lot of love songs. The answer is in there somewhere. Now my Hungry Man, Salisbury Steak Dinner is ready. Now that’s love.
If you want Connie to give you some advice on love and dating in LA, email us at firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll pass the questions to her.